In today’s education landscape, we find ourselves navigating social-emotional learning (SEL) while simultaneously teaching it. This story explores the real work of heart-centered education and relationship building.
When I began teaching, I naively believed building relationships would be easy and I would get along with every student. I love kids! What could go wrong? Reality hit hard my first year, especially with one student—let’s call him AJ—who frequently caused harm to others, myself, and our learning environment.
Initially, my approach to AJ’s outbursts was strict and demanding. As sensory overload took over my body, I focused on “control” rather than understanding. After incidents, I’d send him to the principal. He’d return 20 minutes later with candy in hand, no conversation, no accountability. Tension clouded our classroom as classmates grew frustrated with the pattern.
Following well-meaning colleagues’ advice, I lived the ineffectiveness of “no nonsense, zero tolerance” traditional punishment mindsets. This outdated approach causes disconnection, harm, and separation. There is no place for this thinking in education – it perpetuates cycles of harm and the school-to-prision pipeline.
We must shift into a mindset of healing, care, and relationship building, which is what I started trying with AJ after the new year.
After winter break, I chose transformation. I tuned out what others told me to do and focused on what felt right. I wanted to see AJ without judgment, learn his strengths, discover what he cared about.
Each morning, I checked in with him. Throughout the day, I touched base about his feelings. At dismissal, I highlighted something he did well. I learned about his hobbies, interests, favorite songs, dance moves, and the new kicks he wanted. I discovered his struggles—not seeing his dad, being far from siblings.
I expressed genuine care and explained how his actions impacted our learning community. When behavior flared up, we implemented “Class Huddles”—circle spaces with established norms where everyone addressed harm caused, its impact, and how we could resolve the harm. I was practicing restorative justice before knowing its name.
We communally established what was safe behavior and what everyone needed moving forward. Natural apologies would come out as the voices of the impacted students surfaced. The natural consequence to causing harm? Taking accountability. AJ had to face the harm he had caused and be held by the class in full accountability.
It wasn’t until I reflected on my approach and decided to change my perspective, that the relationship with AJ, began to transform. By taking the time to self regulate and check my own assumptions and beliefs, I could access genuine interactions with AJ without my emotions running the show. Moving me ego aside allowed for us to foster a sense of connection, trust, care, and partnership. This one relationship growing stronger and more authentic shifted the entire classroom experience for the rest of the year.
Ultimately, that school year showed me that I needed more education. The following year, I sought out my Master’s in Curriculum and Instruction with a focus on Community Engagement. I wouldn’t have been able to make that decision for myself if it wasn’t for the time I gave myself to reflect honestly about the year I just had. I wanted to cultivate a teaching practice that felt good in my soul, I wanted to learn more about how to serve ALL kids better, I wanted to prioritize our humanity.
Through my work across ages, I’ve learned that relationships and humanizing each other must come first. Enough bias, punishment, and harm – that only reproduces the same – to support each other we need
Teaching SEL requires trust and adult modeling so everyone feels emotionally, psychologically, and socially safe. This safety comes from the relational community, climate, and culture of the classroom.
When conflict arises, as it naturally will, we must model what navigation looks like, sounds like, feels like. Conflict shows us something when we come from understanding, not assumption.
What sustains this work is continuous, loving self-reflection. To teach social-emotional wellness, we must practice and live it ourselves. To teach social and emotional wellness, one must be striving to be well themselves.
My own healing journey parallels my teaching. I remain committed to being a lifelong learner and healing facilitator. Teaching SEL has taught me a lot about myself.
My journey in teaching SEL has taught me the immense value of empathy, relationships, and continuous self-reflection.
In unity, love, healing, and freedom,
Dahlia
